It's Monday, February 14, so I know I will be spending at least an hour with two dozen women and The Bachelor. I know what you're thinking. You think you have figured out who the Fabulous Ma'am really is? Sorry to disappoint. I am not the blonde girl from Georgia who has had husbands die in plane crashes and race car wipe outs. I am a member of a group of ladies from the burbs who share a special moment via the internet every Monday night. Wine is mandatory. Also, those extremely desperate chicks trying to get that mess of a man known as Brad The Bachelor are involved.
Right now my twisted sisters are feeding the family fast and furiously, chilling a tasteful bottle of vino, and getting ready to hunker down with flatscreen and laptop to take part in a running internet critique of every action on this bizarre reality show.
Now The Fabulous Ma'am has already admitted to a mild fascination with Housewives of Atlanta. Until now, I have kept this shady behavior to myself. The Bachelor Bunch is a different story. We have no shame. Since none of us are computer savvy enough to figure out how to "chat", we just get on Facebook and start a running commentary as soon as the show starts. If you have just been released from Gitmo and don't know the premise of the show, here's the short version: hard up girls with tramp stamps play, plan, and plot for the affection of a clean looking guy that supposedly has a job and wants to marry someone. Pretty much anyone that can make it to the end of the show. A pivotal point in the show is the hot tub. Hot tub performance can make or break it for a would be bride. The Bachelor always gives credit for the hot tub round. Usually just before he dumps you. A classic line sounds something like " First, of all. I want you to know what you did in the hot tub was world-class. BUT........". You can fill in the blank with phrases such as " I wouldn't introduce you to my parents with a gun to my head you are such a freak. But I will always remember what we had." Sometimes The Bachelor cries. This makes The Bunch go crazy. We can tolerate a lot. But a crying man just doesn't work. MAN UP!!!! You have a house full of easy marks and you're crying? Where are you from? Mama's boy? Sorry, that was insensitive.
Right now there is a crazy stalker chick ( there is ALWAYS a crazy stalker chick) and she has plans of physically hurting people if they get between her and The Bachelor. The strange part is the guy is kind of freaked out by her but still gives her the cheesy rose. Speaking of the rose, you would think they would be some fine, huge American Beauty roses. Last week the roses looked like they were part of the bargain bin from Kroger. Crooked and skinny. I know this is a minor point, but these women are fighting for the grocery rose like it was the Hope Diamond. What is happening to our world when healthy, attractive girls are so hard up for a date , they will do anything ( and I do mean anything) to get picked out like a puppy by a guy who has had more hands on him than a basketball in the playoffs!
Granted, I am a charter member of a group of gawkers that prove there is an interest . But then again, look at the fans of NASCAR. Just saying.
Gotta go. I have 10 minutes to give Tom Berenger his Valentine dinner ( shrimp creole I picked up from the Cajun Market) and his romantic present : a box of bullets for the 9mm.
That's amore'.
I remain,
The Fabulous Ma'am
love love loved it!!!!!
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