As many people prepare for a night of champagne and fireworks, I have taken a vow to take care of more fundamental necessities to bring in the new year. A good mani/pedi. Never it let the new year catch me with parched cuticles or feet that look like a Clydesdale. So I started the last day of this year at my usual salon, TikTak Nail Shak. Now this is an interesting place on any given day, much less the all time party like it's 1999 opportunity that is New Year's Eve.
First of all, the owners of the TikTak are two Vietnamese men: DongCho dba Billy, and his associate Van Neip dba Bing. Billy and Bingrun a tight ship where no matter what service you need, they can accomodate in "15 minutes". These guys are there to make sure you are taken care of in ways you didn't know you needed. You think you need only a pedi? Billy quizzes " you need eyebrow waxed?." You hadn't planned on this, so why does Bing think " you lip for sure need wax. And sideburn" makes more sense and is a distraction to the lack of attention to that eyebrow? Also, as I try to be cool but check if I really do have sideburn(s) I start worrying that I have become JoJo the DogFaced Boy and no one in my family has had the guts to tell me.My best friend, LaLa, has stopped visiting Billy and Bing because they are giving her a complex about being a hairy faced freak. Just as I get ready to go for the wax, I'm instructed to go to #5 for "good job". Am I being considered for employment here or am I to expect whoever has this gig now will do a good job. My confusion only gets weirder when a smiling lady with an upside down name tag seats me in the big pedi chair and cranks the massage roller up to full blast. I read, upside down, that my lady's name is Diane. I say "Diane, could you turn this down a little?" She doesn't move an inch from sorting out all sort of lotions and potions to prepare for my color "I'm Really Not A Waitress Red". I clear my throat, as I call out to Diane again. She looks up at me and asked what I said. I said" Diane, could you turn this down". Looking confused she says" Who you say?" I pointed to the upside down Diane tag and repeat "Diane". She gave me a very sad, heartfelt look and confessed " My name Tammy. 14 years I'm Tammy. I come here and they already have Tammy. so I now Dan." Dan? I slowly say DIANE? Tammy dba Diane, repeats after me and then says" that how you say it? Well, that's my name. They already have name tag".
The TikTak boys really know how to motivate and make a new employee feel like they have been part of the team forever. You assume the identity of the former employee and it SOUNDS like you've been here forever. Poor Tammy/Diane.
Generally things are quiet when I'm at the TikTak. Today was crazy. Drunk crazy, actually. A couple of party girls showed up. Already throwing back a little Screwdriver action prior to 10am and getting kinda loud. They had been on the beauty quest early and one had experienced a coloration issue at the spray tan booth. Her toes were tanned a persimmon shade which she didn't seem to object to but the problem was the area BETWEEN the piggies. Since they remained white, she felt it made her zebra striped toepolish look TACKY. OMG. She didn't want the tan scrubbed off because she "kinda liked the color". No, she wanted the toes redone so they would stand out MORE, taking the scrutiny away from the virgin toe flesh. Tammy/Diane was busy with me so told her "wait 5 minutes" ( now I was getting the deluxe pedi plus a mani and we had about 45 minutes to get it done). The drunk lady just started getting louder and said she would go next door and get some fake eyelashes put on. Clearly she was leaving nothing to chance on her quest for perfection. On the way out, the entire salon was able to hear her cell phone attempts at finding her boyfriend (let's just say she hadn't been a "girl" since the Nixon administration). When he failed to be raised, she left a You Light Up My Life message, hung up and called her husband about doing right by her on this divorce settlement "cause you know I been good to ya." Of this , I have not doubt.
Tammy/Diane looked like a NASA engineer responsible for the tiles on the shuttle as she went into overdrive on me. In what seemed like no time, DrunkLady comes back and tells Tammy/Diane she doesn't mind waiting but would really appreciate it if TammyD would allow her to spray this silver glitter spray in her hair since she had just gotten it at the Beauty Supply and didn't want to risk messing up her own hair.She was on a time line for getting fixed up. Nothing should be left to chance and since TammyD clearly appeared to need something to perk up her do, this was a clear win/win.
TammyD went deaf for a little while until one of her counterparts narc'd her out in Vietnamese and she had to sheepishly ask DrunkLady to please not spray her because she wasn't allowed to work with silver hair. Now the TikTak Boys have regained my respect in preparing a policy against wearing silver hair to work.I thought I was being pre-emptive with putting in a policy against stretch pants with your scrub top. Clearly, these guys are straight out of a top notch MBA program.
Lucky for me, TammyD, and the rest of the TikTak , the liquor store is a couple of doors down and DrunkLady left to get something "classy" for the midnight toast.
Just as I think I can finish my "me time" in peace, some redneck guy shows up with his girlfriend. As she is getting her SolarNails started he decides that he is secure enough in his manhood to get a pedicure. Oh great. Suddenly the TikTak Boys have the plasma turned to ESPN so MetroJethro can make all the women in the salon KNOW that he IS THE MAN. A complete waste of effort since all this guy wanted to do was talk paint colors and accent walls across the salon from talon-tipped squeeze.
I count myself fortunate that as the ball drops and the new decade comes in, I will be snug in my bed. No cruel shoes tonight, just socks and moisturizer. A happy home, a husband who loves me, siblings who are save, parents who are close. And knowing I will never have to pose as Diane.
Happy New Year.
These are my daily observations on things important, obscure, ridiculous, Southern, or curious in general.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Current events
I start my day listening to Good Morning America while I beginning my morning ritual of taking my thyroid medicine and then letting my moisturizer do its work until I can have my coffee in 30 minutes. This is the time that I spend getting up to date on important things going on outside my little world in the burbs.Local news share a heart warming story of a young man who proudly shares his adventure of sleeping in a trashcan inside Northline Mall so he can be first in line to buy the special tennis shoes (are they are tennis shoes, or do they go by their sport name? For me they are tennis shoes or tennis pumps. Just like all carbonated beverages are CocaCola. I don't care if it is some other brand, it is Coca Cola. It is certainly not "soda" or "pop". I digress) that will go on sale in the morning. First of all, am I the only person who realizes this guy was trespassing , at the very least, and should be handcuffed instead of interviewed? What makes him so special is that he was safely inside the mall in the comfort of his trashcan when the riot outside broke out when the line of potential shoppers just couldn't wait another 5 minutes until the mall officially opened. Helicopter photos showed rioting and other non-Christmas behavior and then our TrashCan Man is back on camera.
TC Man proudly shows his two pairs of shoes that he was able to purchase inspite of the mayhem and then introduces us to the lucky shopper who he just scalped the shoes to for $400. Now what am I doing wrong? Granted , I am not known for my frugal nature or actually any sense of money whatsoever. I am known as the place to go when you need place settings for 24 , silver, crystal, and linens included. But even with my excess, I have not spent any spare cash on gold teeth. I believe the proper dental term is "caps and grill". I have been very judicious with this decision and STILL I don't carry an extra $400 to $800 cash to be able to take advantage of spur of the moment bargains such as the tennis shoes that missed being jacked up by the SWAT TEAM.
THEN we go to national news where I am moved to tears when I hear that the president of the United States has taken time from his Hawaiian vacation to address one of the burning issues of our nation: Michael Vick gets a second chance to play football. Now, if that doesn't put a lump in your throat and give you a chance to say you are proud to be an American, then I don't know what will. A convicted dog fighting entrepeneur /canine killer gets to go back and continue making millions playing ball and this is worthy of a presidential nod? WHAT THE HELL? Sorry for the unladylike strong language. I am afraid I have overdosed on the Nyquil again and this is just my fried braincells trying to jumpstart me.
When they end the program with soldier posted in combat zones getting to say "Merry Christmas, Mama. I love you and hope to be home soon" I realize that someone has zeroed in on what is important and we are reminded of the sacrifice being made for our great nation. Hug your children. Love your country. Call your mother. This is a recession, resist the grill.
TC Man proudly shows his two pairs of shoes that he was able to purchase inspite of the mayhem and then introduces us to the lucky shopper who he just scalped the shoes to for $400. Now what am I doing wrong? Granted , I am not known for my frugal nature or actually any sense of money whatsoever. I am known as the place to go when you need place settings for 24 , silver, crystal, and linens included. But even with my excess, I have not spent any spare cash on gold teeth. I believe the proper dental term is "caps and grill". I have been very judicious with this decision and STILL I don't carry an extra $400 to $800 cash to be able to take advantage of spur of the moment bargains such as the tennis shoes that missed being jacked up by the SWAT TEAM.
THEN we go to national news where I am moved to tears when I hear that the president of the United States has taken time from his Hawaiian vacation to address one of the burning issues of our nation: Michael Vick gets a second chance to play football. Now, if that doesn't put a lump in your throat and give you a chance to say you are proud to be an American, then I don't know what will. A convicted dog fighting entrepeneur /canine killer gets to go back and continue making millions playing ball and this is worthy of a presidential nod? WHAT THE HELL? Sorry for the unladylike strong language. I am afraid I have overdosed on the Nyquil again and this is just my fried braincells trying to jumpstart me.
When they end the program with soldier posted in combat zones getting to say "Merry Christmas, Mama. I love you and hope to be home soon" I realize that someone has zeroed in on what is important and we are reminded of the sacrifice being made for our great nation. Hug your children. Love your country. Call your mother. This is a recession, resist the grill.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Reflections on my family
I adore Christmas, as previously stated. This was one of my favorites. First of all, I am thinner than I have been in years. I have overcome the need to say " was I fat before?" when people give me the compliment "you have lost a LOT of weight". I know they mean well, but it makes you wonder if you were a behemoth before. I know this cannot have been true because my mother would have pointed it out. Now she is saying the words one longs to hear " Don't lose any more. Your face is started to show it". My mother is a true piece of work. Sitting beside her at my nephew's football game, she took a moment to compliment me on my skin. " Your skin really is pretty. It is because I kept you out of the sun." Before I could say thanks for preventing me from appearing on beaches in Girls Gone Wild or even allowing me to put babyoil and iodine on my transparent flesh, she says "But you are going to HAVE to have some work done SOON". I digress. I was able to work my groove and show all what is the Fabulous Ma'am. It's a good thing.
Like most Southern people, family is the most important and sometimes stressful thing in the world.This Christmas was very low on drama and very high on happiness. I loved being with my family. I have 5 beautiful (I am not biased. Everyone KNOWS this is true) nieces and nephews. They range in age from 22 to 11 and are all taller than me. My 3 nephews crack me up now that they appear to be grown. Even our baby boy is the size of a grown man but still just an angel. He is the gentle giant and a great source of joy. He was going to spend the night with me since I have a Playstation 3 and don't know how to use it.(The oldest nephew was the consultant on the audiovisual requirements for my sunroom). My tiny tot was so excited that her hero was going to spend the night that she had great plans of staying up allnight with him and playing on the PS3. Until he checked to see if his LittleDarling grandmother was staying. When told she was going home with BigDaddy, he decided he wouldn't stay either. He is 7 inches taller than she is, but still wants her near. I guess I will have to learn "Call to Duty. Special Ops" on my own.
In between Divine Design and Housewives of Atlanta. Now, I must pause and ask the question" Where are the white people in Atlanta? And also, since 3 of these women are not even married, how can they be housewives? ALSO, that big white woman with the wig is engaged to a married man.She obviously has no breeding at all or else she would have some pride and sneak around. Just saying.
Back to me:
My nieces look alike, both over 5'9 and slender. They realize how cool I am and I love to be with them. My older niece, Tunisa, has a new apartment and was almost in tears of joy when she opened her new red Crockpot! Little did she know the excitement would be out of control when she unwrapped the 12piece Martha Stewart Collection of cookware in red enamel. The pinnacle of rapture happened when the red Osterizer completed her kitchen. She only cook Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, so was bummed when her mother asked for her can opener ,something she had yet to find a need for, while they cooked. Poor child.
My El Debarge is the poster child for FOREVER 21. She has the ability to make an outfit out of a hefty bag and have people stop her on the street for fashion tips. The child is a designer in the making. While she looks like a model, she is really a comedian who likes to make distorted faces to amuse us . especially when her mother is trying to get portraits done for the family. El Debarge is a loony toon who makes me smile.
Every year I keep a diary of Christmas. This year my middle nephew, Dodie Al Fayed, wanted to make sure I included that he was the driver on the beer run with his older cousin, Happy. Now Happy is 22 years old and asked permission if he could go and buy beer. Rebel without a cause. I smile when I think that this is a grown man but still stops and ask permission to get a brewsky..
I have a tiny one who calls me Ma'am. When she was learning to talk, my mother told me the way to make sure Southern children have manners is when they say "yes" or "no" you answer back with "Yes, Ma'am". I did such a good job that the child calls me Ma'am. All the neighborhood children call me that as well. Since Southern children cannot call anyone by their first name without using Miss infront of it, I am Miss Ma'am. Or as Trixie calls me, The Fabulous Ma'am.
Well, my friends are calling so I better go get the ice cream maker started. Doing Bellinis in it.
Like most Southern people, family is the most important and sometimes stressful thing in the world.This Christmas was very low on drama and very high on happiness. I loved being with my family. I have 5 beautiful (I am not biased. Everyone KNOWS this is true) nieces and nephews. They range in age from 22 to 11 and are all taller than me. My 3 nephews crack me up now that they appear to be grown. Even our baby boy is the size of a grown man but still just an angel. He is the gentle giant and a great source of joy. He was going to spend the night with me since I have a Playstation 3 and don't know how to use it.(The oldest nephew was the consultant on the audiovisual requirements for my sunroom). My tiny tot was so excited that her hero was going to spend the night that she had great plans of staying up allnight with him and playing on the PS3. Until he checked to see if his LittleDarling grandmother was staying. When told she was going home with BigDaddy, he decided he wouldn't stay either. He is 7 inches taller than she is, but still wants her near. I guess I will have to learn "Call to Duty. Special Ops" on my own.
In between Divine Design and Housewives of Atlanta. Now, I must pause and ask the question" Where are the white people in Atlanta? And also, since 3 of these women are not even married, how can they be housewives? ALSO, that big white woman with the wig is engaged to a married man.She obviously has no breeding at all or else she would have some pride and sneak around. Just saying.
Back to me:
My nieces look alike, both over 5'9 and slender. They realize how cool I am and I love to be with them. My older niece, Tunisa, has a new apartment and was almost in tears of joy when she opened her new red Crockpot! Little did she know the excitement would be out of control when she unwrapped the 12piece Martha Stewart Collection of cookware in red enamel. The pinnacle of rapture happened when the red Osterizer completed her kitchen. She only cook Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, so was bummed when her mother asked for her can opener ,something she had yet to find a need for, while they cooked. Poor child.
My El Debarge is the poster child for FOREVER 21. She has the ability to make an outfit out of a hefty bag and have people stop her on the street for fashion tips. The child is a designer in the making. While she looks like a model, she is really a comedian who likes to make distorted faces to amuse us . especially when her mother is trying to get portraits done for the family. El Debarge is a loony toon who makes me smile.
Every year I keep a diary of Christmas. This year my middle nephew, Dodie Al Fayed, wanted to make sure I included that he was the driver on the beer run with his older cousin, Happy. Now Happy is 22 years old and asked permission if he could go and buy beer. Rebel without a cause. I smile when I think that this is a grown man but still stops and ask permission to get a brewsky..
I have a tiny one who calls me Ma'am. When she was learning to talk, my mother told me the way to make sure Southern children have manners is when they say "yes" or "no" you answer back with "Yes, Ma'am". I did such a good job that the child calls me Ma'am. All the neighborhood children call me that as well. Since Southern children cannot call anyone by their first name without using Miss infront of it, I am Miss Ma'am. Or as Trixie calls me, The Fabulous Ma'am.
Well, my friends are calling so I better go get the ice cream maker started. Doing Bellinis in it.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas Decorating
In this time of economic hardship, recession, and down right upset, it is more important than ever to decorate for Christmas. Yes, Christmas. Not Happy Holidays, Happy Winter Festival, or whatever politically correct phrase is being used to substitute for our celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Christmas is the most popular time of the year for those of us that want to go hog wild with creativity and excitement to delight our families, friends, but most of all ourselves. I, personally, have decorated 6 trees and tied so many of my Signature 8loop,French-wired, bows, that my mani is a wreck and I am having to soak in Twenty Mule Team Borax just to get my cuticles to simmer down.
Let me establish right off the bat, that I am into Tasteful Extreme. Due to movies such as National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, people have gotten the wrong idea on outdoor illumination. My next door neighbor, for instance, is the living incarnation of Clark Griswald. This year he has dragged out every bit of tackiness he was able to purchase at 75% off last year and proceeded to randomly scatter it across his front lawn. Now this is the same person who would not mow his grass because his daddy was layed up after the hip replacement. Daddy usually is his yard man and general fixit man (don't get me started on the shotgun house they erected in the backyard that caused me to have to build an addition onto my home so I wouldn't see it. That is a different rant) so until the Titanium hip heals, this fool just lets everything go unattended. Except for the Christmas debacle. I'm all for the concept of MORE IS MORE. But it must have a theme and be of quality, character, and charisma. Let me just start with the inflatable trees and penguins that are not tied down. When the blue Northern blows in, this mess is floating in my yard completely untethered! Now,however, he has a row of lighted flat trees that when lit, glow in the dark and have a frighting resemblance to male reproductive organs marching and pulsating across my property line. The free flying penquins have become impaled on the flashing phallus so now they ( the penguins) are lying limply on the untrimmed hedge.
"Clark" has the prerequist wooden reindeer that the naughty neighborhood youths continue to arrange in mating stances so every morning I must hide the eyes of my tot less she point out AGAIN that the reindeer is giving his friend a ride. Along with the reindeer comes the blasphemous Santa over the Baby Jesus in the manger. YOU JUST CANNOT MIX THESE TWO. Either you are doing religious or Santa. Never both. Read the Bible and you will clearly see that Santa is not listed as a guest at the nativity. I realize this theme does show a respectful Santa sans hat as he prays at baby Jesus, but it is just WRONG. That's all I have to say about that.
The collection of dross now numbers nearly 20 pieces of plywood and plastic.Last night was the premier of the giant rotating snowglobe that is supposed to display gingerbread men. Problem here is the heat in the attic probably hit 150degrees this summer, so the plastic "glass" is now opaque. His multi-colored lights adorn the front door light fixture that is hanging by a wire (again, waiting for Dad and The Hip). You would think he could have grabbed some green extension cords at 5am on the day after Christmas Sale but No! Orange bigboy extention cords snake all over the place, augmented by indoor drop cords where needed. I keep thinking the entire nightmare will go up in flames due to one spark but I fear this is wishful thinking.
Let me establish right off the bat, that I am into Tasteful Extreme. Due to movies such as National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, people have gotten the wrong idea on outdoor illumination. My next door neighbor, for instance, is the living incarnation of Clark Griswald. This year he has dragged out every bit of tackiness he was able to purchase at 75% off last year and proceeded to randomly scatter it across his front lawn. Now this is the same person who would not mow his grass because his daddy was layed up after the hip replacement. Daddy usually is his yard man and general fixit man (don't get me started on the shotgun house they erected in the backyard that caused me to have to build an addition onto my home so I wouldn't see it. That is a different rant) so until the Titanium hip heals, this fool just lets everything go unattended. Except for the Christmas debacle. I'm all for the concept of MORE IS MORE. But it must have a theme and be of quality, character, and charisma. Let me just start with the inflatable trees and penguins that are not tied down. When the blue Northern blows in, this mess is floating in my yard completely untethered! Now,however, he has a row of lighted flat trees that when lit, glow in the dark and have a frighting resemblance to male reproductive organs marching and pulsating across my property line. The free flying penquins have become impaled on the flashing phallus so now they ( the penguins) are lying limply on the untrimmed hedge.
"Clark" has the prerequist wooden reindeer that the naughty neighborhood youths continue to arrange in mating stances so every morning I must hide the eyes of my tot less she point out AGAIN that the reindeer is giving his friend a ride. Along with the reindeer comes the blasphemous Santa over the Baby Jesus in the manger. YOU JUST CANNOT MIX THESE TWO. Either you are doing religious or Santa. Never both. Read the Bible and you will clearly see that Santa is not listed as a guest at the nativity. I realize this theme does show a respectful Santa sans hat as he prays at baby Jesus, but it is just WRONG. That's all I have to say about that.
The collection of dross now numbers nearly 20 pieces of plywood and plastic.Last night was the premier of the giant rotating snowglobe that is supposed to display gingerbread men. Problem here is the heat in the attic probably hit 150degrees this summer, so the plastic "glass" is now opaque. His multi-colored lights adorn the front door light fixture that is hanging by a wire (again, waiting for Dad and The Hip). You would think he could have grabbed some green extension cords at 5am on the day after Christmas Sale but No! Orange bigboy extention cords snake all over the place, augmented by indoor drop cords where needed. I keep thinking the entire nightmare will go up in flames due to one spark but I fear this is wishful thinking.