March, Madness, and Me

The month of March is full of activities which the Fabulous Ma'am dearly loves. As the bitter cold and rain of February leaves, my yardman/event planner, Fred, arrives to start planning the new landscaping that will start the mayhem of Spring planting.

 Fred has worked with me for several years now and knows my addiction to HGTV. Unlike Tom Berenger, Fred encourages me with each and every project I develop after hours of mind-numbing devotion to all things Candace Olsen.  My dream is to walk into the Giant Circus Tent Landscaper store only to realize Fred and I are on television and are being asked to be a part of Yard Crashers. Until that happens, we must continue to practice on our own. When I got the idea of an outdoor kitchen, Fred was ready with his crew (aka cousins &brother) to lay flagstone and build a pergola. Those pergolas look so refreshing on HGTV. On the show, the project starts out with a quick planning session, just like ours. Then the homeowner goes away and an hour later, the yard is completely transformed into an outdoor room. Tom Berenger pointed out that some heavy editing, not to mention cash, goes into the part that I don't see. Lest you think Tom B is trying to rain on the parade that is the Fabulous Ma'am, I must share he is not without evidence.  I struck out on  a weekened project one March that began with the planning session. On August 8 it ended with me in total exhaustion and Fred rolling in pallets of grass, just as Lupe Tortilla was arriving with the food for my first outdoor party in the new Entertaining Space.

I need to call those HGTV people and ask why I never see the huge shop fans that were needed to keep the giant mosquitoes blown off my guests? Due to the requisite Water Feature, the mosquitoes were able to grow quite healthy and in a concentration usually only seen in Biblical text. I wait for the next plague, frogs I hope, to help with this inconvenience. Also, the HGTV people are always lounging around and laughing. Perhaps this is because they are in Canada, a place automatically associated with fun in a cold climate.  I, on the other hand, am living in a place more like the Amazon jungle within a gated community. I feel certain, had it not been for the Lemon Drop martinis, I would have  been hospitalized with some dreadful insect-bourn disease.

Did I mention I am also Fred's marketing manager? Fred's English is not great. So, it comes as no surprise that his voice mail recording, while festive with the Tejano music in the background, has not been that much of a client builder. Today if you call Fred, you get my voice, telling you we appreciate your business, are either with a customer or on another line, and will have someone get back with you as soon as possible. Also, I decided Fred needed a logo and business cards. Also matching shirts for the cousins/crew made for a more professional look.  My marketing genius must be working, since today Fred arrived in a brand new double cab F350. I digress.

Luckily, an act of God intervened before I had the chrysanthemum oil spray system installed to cut back on the mosquito invasion. Who would have thought the giant oak tree would have been twisted in half and crashed through that hateful, I mean beautiful, pergola? Out of the proverbial ashes sprang my fully enclosed, air conditioned, studio. As Big Daddy reminded me, my mother never allowed me in the sun in the first place, I hate to sweat, and the mosquitoes have killed more people than all wars combined.

  How great is life when all you need is a plan, a purse, and 100 SPF sunscreen to make your decorating dreams come true?

I remain,
The Fabulous Ma'am